Thursday, June 5, 2014

Adult tantrums, swearing and other such immaturities...

A beautiful lady gave me this pebble two weeks ago.
Ironically it was a lifeline - handed to a drowning woman.
You see I've been having a rough ... year.

I have toyed with the notion of confessing it all. 
Yelling it out at the top of my lungs.
Screaming, spitting, wailing and cussing.
Shameless in my pain.

So I sat down to do just that.
Air the dirtiest of stain ridden laundry.
Formulate witty prose relating to stress, anxiety, depression, moods, 
loss of optimism, loss of direction... blah blah blaaaaaaah.

Tonight the proverbial poop hit the oscillators when I 
arrived home from work to find a load of garden mulch had been
dumped in the wrong spot - crushing my Agapanthus and reticulation.

Like Mentos and Coke I reacted and the result was messy.

My son thought it was funny to hear me swear and my Husband
(who really does deserve some sort of marriage medal)
took the mood swing in his stride and made me tea....
... and smiled ...
... and continued to love me 
(in that really annoying way someone amazing does)
 which then made me feel even more un-loveable.

As the evening progressed my level of maturity digressed
until eventually it culminated in what I would best describe
as an adult tantrum - not all that different from a toddler tanty
(and a lot more embarrassing)

I've been sulking for a while now and of course it's had 
ZERO impact on whole situation and indeed it's left me
with nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth.

I thought perhaps if I sat down and try to write about my feelings
it might help to soothe my mood and release the anger.

Perhaps telling all my beautiful friends and readers that
I've had such a sucky six months - filled with anxiety and
self doubt. Tell you all that I've doubted myself more in the 
last three months than I have in my whole life.
 Confess that my mojo went walkabout and I'm frantic in the search
for just a shadow of my former self.

Take a deep breath and say - I've lost the plot.
It's been ugly and un-ladylike and quite frankly a
 complete frigging nightmare.

I've seen a doctor, a therapist and a naturopath.
I've had acupuncture, massage and meditation classes.
I'm on a low dose happy pill and I'm not happy about it ...
... an oxymoron if ever there was one.

I think deep down I've realised that my truth really 
is what will set me free.

It's a huge relief to fess up and say to people:
"Actually you know what - I can't.
Sorry but right now I just don't have what it takes"

I know it wont be forever.
My faith tells me that it's just a bump in the road.

Many have been here and lived to tell the tale.
The victorious, triumphant tale.

I will too.

For now though I think I'll just curl up foetal 
fashion and admit defeat.

I hope that when you read these words you 
are able to receive them in the way they were intended.
As a lifeline - much like the one offered to me by the lovely pebble pal.

This world of social media has us editing out a lot of the bull dust
and I'm not so sure that's always a good thing.

Inspiration has many many forms.
Sometimes we need to see a bit of struggle to know that
we're all in this together.

What I look forward to the most is sharing the silver lining with you too.
Thank you.
Strength - for you and for me.

PS - in need of a little inspiration?
This beautiful lady danced me all the way to smiles and tears.


terlee said...

Since you're already walking through the fire, you've got no choice now but to forge ahead. Keep your eyes on the horizon...better days will come.

And yeah, we're all in this together...wallowing, wailing, cursing, hoping. ;D

Diana Studer said...

what became of ... weren't you doing a flower-arranging course? Or shouldn't I ask?

Kylie said...

I'm really sorry you're going through a tricky time Angy. Hang-in-there, okay ?! x

Angy is my name. said...

Thank you people... I will of course be ok.

Diana I am still busy learning the ropes and it has been a real life saver.

Kylie & Terlee - I do appreciate your kind sentiments and I'm taking Dorys' advice ....

"Just keep swimming" :-)

Neesie said...

Oh Angy, I can't believe that I've been neglecting you and now I'm here reading your words I'm so upset. I've been so wrapped up in my own stupidly hectic crazy world that I haven't been visiting as I should... if only I had known I would have been here like a shot! I have been thinking about you and just thought that you hadn't been posting. I missed this one coming in... probably having my own little tantrum and using my time unwisely.
To read your words tugs at my heart-strings but I'm so proud that you've expressed in such graphic detail your tizzy fits. It's good and helps to get it all out and I'm sure that it's just a blip on the landscape. Well I'm hoping that it is. You have such amazing talents with your writing, photography, blog, artistic floral creations... and probably so much more that I don't know about ;D
I know you're loving family will be there for you... helping and supporting you. Lean on them for a wee whilie I'm sure they won't mind. Keep your chin up my lovely and smile. We'll be smiling right back at you! :D
Take care and I'll see you again soon xoxo

cara said...

Shit Angy, I'm so sorry I missed this the first time round. My only excuse is that I've been in pretty much exactly the same place. I'm coming out of it now and just wanted to wish you solidarity and friendship from across the internets and oceans. xx