A beautiful lady gave me this pebble two weeks ago.
Ironically it was a lifeline - handed to a drowning woman.
You see I've been having a rough ... year.
I have toyed with the notion of confessing it all.
Yelling it out at the top of my lungs.
Screaming, spitting, wailing and cussing.
Shameless in my pain.
So I sat down to do just that.
Air the dirtiest of stain ridden laundry.
Formulate witty prose relating to stress, anxiety, depression, moods,
loss of optimism, loss of direction... blah blah blaaaaaaah.
Tonight the proverbial poop hit the oscillators when I
arrived home from work to find a load of garden mulch had been
dumped in the wrong spot - crushing my Agapanthus and reticulation.
Like Mentos and Coke I reacted and the result was messy.
My son thought it was funny to hear me swear and my Husband
(who really does deserve some sort of marriage medal)
took the mood swing in his stride and made me tea....
... and smiled ...
... and continued to love me
(in that really annoying way someone amazing does)
which then made me feel even more un-loveable.
As the evening progressed my level of maturity digressed
until eventually it culminated in what I would best describe
as an adult tantrum - not all that different from a toddler tanty
(and a lot more embarrassing)
I've been sulking for a while now and of course it's had
ZERO impact on whole situation and indeed it's left me
with nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth.
I thought perhaps if I sat down and try to write about my feelings
it might help to soothe my mood and release the anger.
Perhaps telling all my beautiful friends and readers that
I've had such a sucky six months - filled with anxiety and
self doubt. Tell you all that I've doubted myself more in the
last three months than I have in my whole life.
Confess that my mojo went walkabout and I'm frantic in the search
for just a shadow of my former self.
Take a deep breath and say - I've lost the plot.
It's been ugly and un-ladylike and quite frankly a
complete frigging nightmare.
I've seen a doctor, a therapist and a naturopath.
I've had acupuncture, massage and meditation classes.
I'm on a low dose happy pill and I'm not happy about it ...
... an oxymoron if ever there was one.
I think deep down I've realised that my truth really
is what will set me free.
It's a huge relief to fess up and say to people:
"Actually you know what - I can't.
Sorry but right now I just don't have what it takes"
I know it wont be forever.
My faith tells me that it's just a bump in the road.
Many have been here and lived to tell the tale.
The victorious, triumphant tale.
I will too.
For now though I think I'll just curl up foetal
fashion and admit defeat.
I hope that when you read these words you
are able to receive them in the way they were intended.
As a lifeline - much like the one offered to me by the lovely pebble pal.
This world of social media has us editing out a lot of the bull dust
and I'm not so sure that's always a good thing.
Inspiration has many many forms.
Sometimes we need to see a bit of struggle to know that
we're all in this together.
What I look forward to the most is sharing the silver lining with you too.
Strength - for you and for me.
PS - in need of a little inspiration?
This beautiful lady danced me all the way to smiles and tears.