Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The complications of loving you (Mary Oliver & I)

“from the complications of loving you i think there is no end or return. no answer, no coming out of it. which is the only way to love, isn't it? this isn't a playground, this is earth, our heaven, for a while. therefore i have given precedence to all my sudden, sullen, dark moods that hold you in the center of my world. and i say to my body: grow thinner still. and i say to my fingers, type me a pretty song. and i say to my heart: rave on.” 
― Mary OliverThirst

{this business of romance and dating and falling in love and getting hitched
and making babies and birthing babies and loving babies and adopting babies 
and tending to babies and fretting over sick babies and reconnecting with partners and 
booking in date nights and returning to family roots and making friends and relying on friends
and needing mothers and needing fathers and needing love and giving love and giving love
and giving love and getting love and getting love and giving love and getting love

anyone else exhausted?

then replenished again buy the promise of that 
heady euphoria when children say to you
(out of the blue and unsolicited by chocolate or cookies or another such sweet treat)

"I love you"}

“When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. 

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument. 

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.” 
― Mary Oliver

{my son is 16
he's a young man now

i turned around and he shifted
it felt sudden but it was not
it was more of an epic moment viewed in slow motion
cinematic, heart wrenching  - soundtrack included.

“to live in this world

you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go” 
― Mary OliverNew and Selected Poems, Vol. 1

{i'm baffled about the future
i keep wondering who he'll fall in love with
have babies with
travel with
argue with}

“Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?” 
― Mary Oliver

{i have been blessed with  the kind of love you find
in  a Nicholas Sparks novel - too good to be true 
happy endings all day long
tear jerking moments all day long}

“Sometimes I need
only to stand
wherever I am 
to be blessed.” 
― Mary OliverEvidence: Poems

{i have no frigging idea what I've done to deserve this love
truly I don't}

“Ten times a day something happens to me like this - some strengthening throb of amazement - some good sweet empathic ping and swell. This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.” 
― Mary Oliver

{my tribe are super heroic 
(and both deserve medals in patience and forgiveness)

my tribe help me see the world they way Mary Oliver does}

“Oh Lord of melons, of mercy, though I am not ready, nor worthy, I am climbing towards you.” 
― Mary OliverThirst


Diana Studer said...

ah - when the time to comes to let it go! Not my children, but my garden, our home. That first agreeing to cut the ties that bind me, tore me apart.

And now, are we nearly there yet!! As we count down the last few days - with, yes, kind weather, a little rain for the gardens, and gentle sun for the removal van - thank you :~))

ellen said...

Lovely all of this. Paying attention is practicing gratitude, is it not?
So good to hear from you. Be well, with love, Ellen.

cara said...

This is beautiful. And (I know not intentionally) so sad. The thought of my babies being sixteen both thrills me and kills me dead.

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Angy,

To have given love and to have received love in return is the greatest of life's treasures. You are indeed blessed.

Wishing you all joy, peace and success in 2015.

Neesie said...

I've no idea where I've been... or where you've been but I've missed you.
So many wonderful words and beautiful sentiments Angy... I'm going to have to revisit them time and time again.
My babies are 30 and 23 now. How can that be?
I feel truly blessed too and appreciate my treasures daily
p.s. I'm glad I've found you again