A blog neglected

I have visited this space so many times with the sincere intention of sharing.
I log in and start typing and then save as draft  - often after only two lines.
I've done this sixteen times. SIXTEEN.

Then I decided that this ride on my carousel of misery had to end. stop. finish.
(it always comes down to a decision doesn't it?)
With viking determination I drafted "my last post" and as I wrote I started laughing.
Such drama - a title that implies going off to war, defending my country, dying.
A martyr.

Then that old best bud called self doubt dropped round with a cup of critique.
It sounded a lot exactly like this:

"ridiculous. a quitter. a quitter with only a handful of followers.
for heavens sake it's not like Joanna Goddard has decided to pull up stumps
get a grip. get a grip. just say goodbye. just. give. up."

Two hours and three cups of tea later.
More self doubt
More self doubt
More self doubt

That's when I realised something truly, truly life changing.
NO ONE GIVES A SH*T

Unless I do.

How utterly perfect and just and fair.
How brilliantly poetic and how sublimely non bulldust.
All that indecisive crap and no one in the world knew what I was thinking - or cared - or had their life altered in anyway by my petty self doubt.

It's only taken me 41 years to fully digest this nugget. fully.
To comprehend the quantum leap that can be made when you stop thinking anyone else's thoughts and only think your own.

Miraculous change occurred immediately.
I felt physically lighter.
I had new ideas.
I decided not to stop writing caring
I decided that this space was like ANY OTHER space in my world.
My bedroom, my car, my favourite park, my marriage, my favourite beach.

All that mattered was that it matters to me

In fact whether it was ONLINE or OFFLINE or HANDWRITTEN or even just DAYDREAMED INTO THE ETHER... If it's mine - then I should love it.

If I'm here then I should BE HERE.
If I want to write (about any darn thing under the sun) then I SHOULD WRITE.

♥ So I did ♥