Thursday, April 9, 2015

A blog neglected

I have visited this space so many times with the sincere intention of sharing.
I log in and start typing and then save as draft  - often after only two lines.
I've done this sixteen times. SIXTEEN.

Then I decided that this ride on my carousel of misery had to end. stop. finish.
(it always comes down to a decision doesn't it?)
With viking determination I drafted "my last post" and as I wrote I started laughing.
Such drama - a title that implies going off to war, defending my country, dying.
A martyr.

Then that old best bud called self doubt dropped round with a cup of critique.
It sounded a lot exactly like this:

"ridiculous. a quitter. a quitter with only a handful of followers.
for heavens sake it's not like Joanna Goddard has decided to pull up stumps
get a grip. get a grip. just say goodbye. just. give. up."

Two hours and three cups of tea later.
More self doubt
More self doubt
More self doubt

That's when I realised something truly, truly life changing.

Unless I do.

How utterly perfect and just and fair.
How brilliantly poetic and how sublimely non bulldust.
All that indecisive crap and no one in the world knew what I was thinking - or cared - or had their life altered in anyway by my petty self doubt.

It's only taken me 41 years to fully digest this nugget. fully.
To comprehend the quantum leap that can be made when you stop thinking anyone else's thoughts and only think your own.

Miraculous change occurred immediately.
I felt physically lighter.
I had new ideas.
I decided not to stop writing caring
I decided that this space was like ANY OTHER space in my world.
My bedroom, my car, my favourite park, my marriage, my favourite beach.

All that mattered was that it matters to me

In fact whether it was ONLINE or OFFLINE or HANDWRITTEN or even just DAYDREAMED INTO THE ETHER... If it's mine - then I should love it.

If I'm here then I should BE HERE.
If I want to write (about any darn thing under the sun) then I SHOULD WRITE.

♥ So I did ♥


Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Angy,

This is indeed your space. You should write as and when and what you please. Our blog is just for us, albeit that we are delighted when others are kind enough to pop in and say hello.

But, perhaps you underestimate how you can also communicate, connect and influence others with what you write. You are capable of expressing complex ideas and emotions in a powerfully simple and direct way. We have seen on your blog haunting images, annotated beautifully.

A blog cannot, we feel, ever be the answer to world peace or world domination for that matter. It is unlikely to move mountains or to enter the echelons of great literature. But, it is your place. And, how exciting is that!

Neesie said...

Oh Angy I was reading your heartfelt words dreading getting to the part where you said "Arrivederci"..."Au Revoir"... "Adios" or just plain "Over and out"
Thank goodness that you didn't.
I've had similar thoughts lately as I've been blogging so many years and felt well maybe that's enough but someone would come to visit and leave a comment that would lift me and I'd think "why was I thinking like that?" I know that when I don't post for a little while I miss it... so for now I'll carry on.
I adore the way you write and can only marvel as you take me on a journey, sometimes that I'm not sure I want to go on... (deep and meaningful) but I go along with you and it is always enlightening. It always works out ;D
As long as you enjoy writing and taking your spectacular photos, then I for one will be here to appreciate your time, effort and creativity.
Hopefully I'll see you again soon
Take care xoxo

terlee said...

Long, long hiatus Ang...glad you're back, hopefully to hang around for awhile. I miss your stories and photos.

I've always looked at my own blog as sort of a ongoing travelogue of my journey through this inexplicable world. Some days my posts are sad, others are funny, interesting, or just plain everyday regular stuff.

The bottom line for me is that I write for myself. Having others read my words is just the icing on the cake that is my life.

ellen said...

I have been MIA from my blog for a long time. I do understand the ambivalence of it all. I do care about my "little spot" why don't I take better care of it? Sheesh!
I am so happy that you came by and your words do give me encouragement to keep on keeping on.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend.
With love, Ellen.

Katie said...

So glad you wrote and such wonderful words too. X

Kylie said...

Angie, I know just how you feel - in so many respects it's not funny x

Deb said...

Hi Angie. You have such a pretty blog so I'm very glad you haven't given up. My own corner of Blogtopia is quite small, but the few people that pop in to say hi make my day brighter. I love to write more for myself so any followers are just a bonus. Hang in there :)

Unknown said...

Dear Angy
Writing this blog is like writing a letter. Sometimes we have our thoughts in order and can scribble down 8 pages with no effort,and let out a sigh as we release all of those emotions, and the analysis of our experiences. Other times, we sit, pen in hand and just have no words for what we are going through. Sometimes we need to find order in the chaos of our minds. That time of self awareness and self love is all we need to gather our strength, count our blessings and carry on sharing. Your words ripple in the hearts and minds of your readers. Sometimes you have profound things to share and those are worth waiting for. So take your time and when you have something to say, we are all ready and waiting in eagerness at how it resonates with us in some way. Keep sharing your love and light.