Adult tantrums, swearing and other such immaturities...

A beautiful lady gave me this pebble two weeks ago.

Ironically it was a lifeline - handed to a drowning woman.

You see I've been having a rough ... year.

I have toyed with the notion of confessing it all. 

Yelling it out at the top of my lungs.

Screaming, spitting, wailing and cussing.

Shameless in my pain.

So I sat down to do just that.

Air the dirtiest of stain ridden laundry.

Formulate witty prose relating to stress, anxiety, depression, moods, 

loss of optimism, loss of direction... blah blah blaaaaaaah.

Tonight the proverbial poop hit the oscillators when I 

arrived home from work to find a load of garden mulch had been

dumped in the wrong spot - crushing my Agapanthus and reticulation.

Like Mentos and Coke I reacted and the result was messy.

My son thought it was funny to hear me swear and my Husband

(who really does deserve some sort of marriage medal)

took the mood swing in his stride and made me tea....

... and smiled ...

... and continued to love me 

(in that really annoying way someone amazing does)

 which then made me feel even more un-loveable.

As the evening progressed my level of maturity digressed

until eventually it culminated in what I would best describe

as an adult tantrum - not all that different from a toddler tanty

(and a lot more embarrassing)

I've been sulking for a while now and of course it's had 

ZERO impact on whole situation and indeed it's left me

with nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth.

I thought perhaps if I sat down and try to write about my feelings

it might help to soothe my mood and release the anger.

Perhaps telling all my beautiful friends and readers that

I've had such a sucky six months - filled with anxiety and

self doubt. Tell you all that I've doubted myself more in the 

last three months than I have in my whole life.

 Confess that my mojo went walkabout and I'm frantic in the search

for just a shadow of my former self.

Take a deep breath and say - I've lost the plot.

It's been ugly and un-ladylike and quite frankly a

 complete frigging nightmare.

I've seen a doctor, a therapist and a naturopath.

I've had acupuncture, massage and meditation classes.

I'm on a low dose happy pill and I'm not happy about it ...

... an oxymoron if ever there was one.

I think deep down I've realised that my truth really 

is what will set me free.

It's a huge relief to fess up and say to people:

"Actually you know what - I can't.

Sorry but right now I just don't have what it takes"

I know it wont be forever.

My faith tells me that it's just a bump in the road.

Many have been here and lived to tell the tale.

The victorious, triumphant tale.

I will too.

For now though I think I'll just curl up foetal 

fashion and admit defeat.

I hope that when you read these words you 

are able to receive them in the way they were intended.

As a lifeline - much like the one offered to me by the lovely pebble pal.

This world of social media has us editing out a lot of the bull dust

and I'm not so sure that's always a good thing.

Inspiration has many many forms.

Sometimes we need to see a bit of struggle to know that

we're all in this together.

What I look forward to the most is sharing the silver lining with you too.

Thank you.

Strength - for you and for me.

xx

PS - in need of a little inspiration?

This beautiful lady danced me all the way to smiles and tears.

Enjoy...

http://youtu.be/so0J90qEdq0

Shhhhh.....

What do you do to keep calm?

Do you think it's ok to lose your marbles?

Are we really a sea of tranquility beneath it ALL?

What does it mean to stay sane?

Weren't all the greats at least a little bit crazy?

Who sets the benchmark?

How calm is too calm?

Is it good for you...

(even if just once in a blue moon)

 ...to just go batpoop mad?

What brings you back down ... to the stillness, to the quiet?

Tips to achieve a balance between the go and the stop?

Balance... there's that word again.

I think that's what the future holds for me right now

The challenge of learning to wise-up and let go

Let go of the stuff that does NOT matter

(and let's face it ... only 5% REALLY matters... agreed?)

..and allow what really needs to happen... to happen

I'm thinking (too much)...

... and I'm ready to stop now

To REALLY stop.

The chatter, the crazy, the whoosh, the whirr... you know what I mean yes?

I'm after that stuff they call "inner peace" ...

 and if you've just gagged or baulked or rolled your eyes I can understand

It's such a cliche nowadays that I think we've lost sight

of what it means to have a stillness that you can rely on...

... an inner sanctum that nothing can penetrate...

So much stuff whizzing about the place... the news (eek)

the net, the papers, the shops, the sounds, the workplace, the traffic...

.... Shhhhh...

Just Shhhh for one second please.

I need some calm

... and I need it now

A Jaunt....and the truth.

Frustrated and moody, irritable and challenged. I'd rather be honest than tell blogging fibs and post about a cosy existence that does not (at least for now) exist. 

Health issues are still lingering and even though there is most certainly "light at the end of the proverbial tunnel" I am forced to dig deep for patience and optimism. Hubby decided a day out and about might help lift the spirits and I'm happy to report that although we only managed a "half-day" adventure ....

... it was exactly what I needed.

It's no coincidence that I chose black & white to capture the day... I think when you feel a little disconnected it affects most of your choices and there was something strangely comforting about viewing images that reflected the way I'm feeling ... the way I'm seeing... the way I'm thinking.

We went to Fremantle and sat on the main street eating a tapas style lunch in the brilliance of a Perth Spring day. The atmosphere was upbeat and touristy ... as it almost always is in Freo. Oktoberfest had begun and so there were a number of events being held up and down the main stretch. (I think it's pretty tacky celebrating a very NON-Australian tradition here but I suppose local business would argue that any gimmick pulls in a crowd) 

I'm not really forcing a smile... by this stage I was truly grateful to be venturing away from the couch and soaking in some much needed Vitamin D. What this photo does not reveal is the hideousness of the busker hired to entertain with what can only be described as really bad "german folk music" with blurred cultural interventions (Shuduppayaface??? - have you heard of this song? ... Oh Dear) 

Still it's nearly impossible not to feel burdens lighten when everyone around you is basking in the first real Spring weather we've had all year and before long I found myself perking up & feeling truly grateful. I have the most amazing Husband who tends to my every need (no small feat when you consider the frightening unpredictability of a hormonal female whose stubborn attitude has yet to be defeated) I have a son who has championed me through some of the worst of this "crisis" and I have a family, friends (and you dear fellow bloggers) who have helped me tremendously. 

“In my walks, every man I meet is my superior in some way, and in that I learn from him.” 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

You have left such intuitive, kind and caring comments and I want you to know that EACH and EVERY one of them has touched me deeply. Just the fact that you take the time to fill in that "annoying spam decoder" thingy is a compliment in it's own right! I sit with Kleenex reading them to my Hubby who smiles, hugs me and tells me "I deserve your well wishes" ....

.... again THANK YOU. I am going in for am operation at the end of this month. The only reason I choose not to detail the specifics of my health issues is simply because we are all so very individual in our needs, bodies and medical experiences. What may have been a cause for alarm with me would not blip on anothers radar and what may be easy for me may be challenging for someone else. I have learnt of the health challenges of a few fellow bloggers (some privately and others publicly - some in great detail and some vague) and I feel that the essence of each story always brings about the same moral...

... gratitude, love, hope, friendship... these are what count. End of story. Period. Fact.

Hubby and I pondered all of these truths over our chocolate treats ... we savoured each delicious bite and reflected on the fact that even when life presents a stumbling block we are blessed to have human hands who reach out and lift you up, cheer you on and celebrate your victories with you.

Yes... a jaunt with a loved one, a few rays of sunshine and some chocolate ...was far better than ANY of the Doctors orders. 

We are smack bang in the middle of school vacation here and I'm blessed to have my Young Prince with me ... most days ...

(teenage social calendars... methinks the President of America aint this busy!!) 

...and I hope to enjoy a walk in the park with him later today. These casual dates often lead to deeper things as we chat, laugh and ponder life's very important issues - although can anyone really ever say which cross species would make for the best super hero powers??? 

On another note I'd like to introduce you to the two newest members of our family....

Welcome to Fay & Cassandra - a spritely Welsummer and a plucky Rhode Island Red. 

We ventured with friends on the weekend to help them choose a new feathered family... 

(they recently lost ALL six of their gals to a Fox frenzy!) 

...and ended up with two of our own. As you do. 

Method in our madness though. 

Our dear sweet Roz became broody three days ago and so last night we snuck 

these two darlings beneath her while she slept ...

(we've done this before with great success)

... and woke early this morning to find them following her dutifully and nestling as though 

she'd been there Mum all along. Oh how I love chickens!

Updates to follow I promise.

I've had a few people ask about their names and (although it may seem cheesy) we have chosen to name all our chickens after female characters in the American sitcom Frasier. It was a show that provided emotional/comic relief in a time when we were nursing a loved one through Cancer so we have fond memories attached. So far there has been Roz, Daphne (RIP) Lillith and Maris... and now Fay and Cassandra. We have at least twenty more names to choose from too... my favourite being Mrs Moon.

Well peoples... I wish I could say I have a day of marathon running, cartwheel turning and dancing ahead but alas I am forced to choose from activities of the slightly more docile nature. Today will consist of reading, light tidying, crafting & creating and checking on two little chicks at regular intervals. 

I promise though that my next post will not contain a stitch of self pity and I will make a concerted effort to include colour filled images of creative ventures, cute animals ... and so forth ... and so forth.

For now though... a sincere thank you for indulging me in my woes and pondering life through a colour  drained lens. In truth I think it adds to the poetic irony of the day... ♥♥♥

Wishing you bundles of fun for the week ahead!

I'm going to put the kettle on now - steep a delicious brew and catch up on all your adventures... 

...which I'm sure will be even more tonic for my soul. 

Aaaah... I feel better already :-) 

Alice & this looking glass....

I'm all the way over here

You're all the way over there

Then I say something you like, you loathe, you laugh at...

... maybe you even shed a tear

I love your images, your recipes and the way your day to day struggles mirror mine

I love that we can marvel at global similarities in the midst of comparative prose

I love your photos, your lucky junk finds, your taste in clothing, your pain and your voice

I think about you when I see things you might like

I hook up with you on Instagram... you know ... as you do

You leave a thoughtful, cheeky, self deprecating comment on one of my posts

You reference your truth and it's a mirror to mine, a challenge to mine... 

..... a new perspective even

Your talent inspires me and your authenticity is a benchmark

You talk of apple pies, mountains, stitches and love

I talk of them too

The connections are like dew drops on a spider web

Fragile, beautiful, real... but evaporative

You know me - or at least the parts of me I share

Maybe you even know me better through that which I omit

I'm here and I'm so glad you are too

It's all different and yet the same

It's all frivolous and yet serious

It's all truth and yet edited

This stuff we share on the net

This stuff we give away

This stuff we contribute

This stuff we create

This stuff we critique

This stuff we devour

I've been immersed in it and when I take a moment to step back 

and see it from a distance... it simply blows me away

♥♥♥

Peoples I hope you've had a great week thus far?

I've had newcomers comment and private emails from people

with crazy, stunning, stupendous feedback.

I've had ideas galore.

I've had an exam and I aced it! (Yay for me!)

I've stumbled on new blogs - and I've left a few behind 

(does that happen to you too?)

I've had family truths bring about greater strengths within.

Wowsers... I am blessed

Sending you all some of my Eternal Sunshine.... & big love.

Exposing myself....

"When I was littler … fresher… tender … less … not as mature as I am today… there are so many ways to try and say younger but really I am only balking from that word because I don’t believe it means unknowing, less wise… and to admit that I “struggled with anorexia when I was young” and to connect youth with that seemingly unnatural act is to imply that “now I know better… am cured… have recovered” … not true. 

I am recovered but I still have that scar. The wound is all better but you can still see it. Well I know it’s there and I can show it to you if you like.

Anorexia – the ultimate disconnection. The crazy attempt to control the uncontrollable. The sad, fractured and lonely mindset that this beautiful, crazy, sexy life is somehow not within me but out there trying to act upon me.

Nature was one of the most powerful healing forces in my journey through to self respect, love and appreciation.

Seeing – TRULY SEEING – a world that turned itself upside down (literally) to give me the gift of a sunrise, the flight of a bird, the touch of the rain. This world was not out to get me. So I stopped trying to stay on the tightrope.

I fell… I dropped … and the net was there.

Letting go takes faith. Faith is always rewarded. Faith requires going within and to go within we definitely need to embrace the outer. It’s just a logical step. Nature can be the miraculous mirror that reflects back our worthiness. Existing without judgement to dazzle us every second of every day and night"

****

This is a comment I recently posted on the blog of an amazing lady called Kelsey. You may know her  from the inspiring place that is  HappyYolks* -  which she shares with the world, enlisting a voice so strong, so authentic and so brave it inspired me to ...  for want of a better phrase... expose myself.

THIS POST in particular had me quietly crying and I felt compelled to add to the list of (supportive) comments. In fact, for quite some time afterwards I was left pondering why her words touched me so deeply. I came to the conclusion that it was because it was as though it was written about me and for me all at once - addressing a topic which we've all heard bandied about from various perspectives and in differing tones. A topic which I'd love to know your thoughts on?

Whilst I never set out to use my blog for the purposes of sharing deeply personal material, it has occurred to me (over time) that it's ALL pretty personal stuff really.

I finished off my comment with the words to an Eddie Vedder song titled "No Ceiling" I'll leave you with the words and I hope that you pop on over and read the post that inspired this one. Then maybe pop on back to tell me what you think.

Thank you gorgeous peoples... I hope you all know how truly beautiful you all are.

No Ceiling

Comes the morning
When I can feel
That there’s nothing
Left to be concealed
Moving on,
a scene surreal
Know my heart will never
Never be far from here

Sure as I’m breathing
Sure as I’m sad
I’ll keep this wisdom
In my flesh
I leave here believing
More than I had
And there’s a reason I’ll be
Reason I’ll be back

As I walk
the hemisphere
Got my wish
to up and disappear
I been wounded
I been healed"

♥♥♥

* Kelsey is a very talented writer but her blog does not only evoke the philosophical reader it also tempts the tastebuds ... as is evidenced by the amazing recipes she shares.... like this one!